"I can't tell if I am thankful or if I am cursing the feeling that finally am alive. Is this what it feels like dying and then living just to die over and over again?”
Trying
She left me. It’s kind of funny because she said she wish me the best. I said I will try. I am stupid to believe that it will actually work. Trying...
Ever since the moment I had her I was always trying. It is so heartbreaking to think that I probably didn’t try enough. Or maybe I was trying too hard. What difference does that make though? She is gone.
You know that feeling when you wake up you are looking forward to the rest of the day. Like I am looking forward but scared to think I will not be able to get by without thinking about her. Where is she at? What is she up to? Is she longing for me too? Does she even think about me for minute? Who is holding her now? Are they better than me? And then try to make it through and begin again the next day.
The night is not even better. It actually is worse. I remember how I used to hold her, how i used to kiss her, the smile she reserved for me, the touch, the voice. It is the worst because now they are not mine to claim anymore. She said she does not belong to me now. i just can’t give them away. They were mine and I am a child who lost all her favorite toys.
When she broke it to me it feels so foreign. It was a far unfamiliar tone in her voice that I cannot believe will be directed at me. Her eyes does not hold that same intensity. It was like she was finally free. It was like she was in this tight stronghold and she finally broke free and it’s hard to accept that it was a freedom from me.
I agreed though, because I wanted to see her happier. She said she needs to be happier and that was the promise I made from the beginning. I will give her the happiness she deserves and she needs. She walked out and got what she wanted, I was left devastated because I don’t want to let go. I want her to turn around and say it is still me and it will always be me.
Sinking
I should be deleting all our photos on my phone gallery, every time I look at them it burns. It burns but it was never hot, it was more like a drowning burn. Like sinking...
I told her I will remove and cut everything. I believed it was the best for me but I can’t stop checking up on her. She never share her most private life. That makes me want her more, it is like - that is the most special feeling when we were together. That she wanted to keep us to ourselves. Although now I hate it. I don’t know what is going on with her and I am a bad kind of lame stalker.
I told myself I shall never be on that level. I am too intellectual to be that stupid, but now I know she has the ability to bring that out from me. I never felt so out of control and she has that power over me.
I know she will never be like me anymore. We stopped being on the same page, she is happy now with someone else like she told me and I still left to mend my heart. It was unfair to think she found someone else so easily. It sunk me when she said she has seen the potential in him.
It was like, what the fuck does that mean? There is no need to stab me multiple times with one word. “Potential”. What was I then? But it wasn’t her fault, I kept asking because I can’t accept.
I wanted to hate her. I wanted to call her hypocrite. I wanted to tell her she will never be able to throw away the years of us with just a potential. But then again that is what she wanted as a start for new. The potential that I probably never will be and who I am to question that. Who am I now?
I am drowning and I can’t tell her because she will never understand. She will tell me again to move forward, to find my happiness. I want to tell her to stop telling me something I already know. I wish it was easy for me just as much as it was easy for her.
Breaking
As I am writing this she probably is with the new someone. They are probably laughing with each other, smiling with their eyes, lips longing and body molding. While here I am. Breaking...
I lied down in bed and for the first time in my life I hate being where I am. I am wishing I am in his position. Even if it is standing in the middle of a rain storm with no umbrella or protection on. Because I know it was with her, she will laugh and my heart will skip and sour. She will kiss me under the rain and ask me to run with her. I hate running but she will insist because she knows I am a sucker for her.
I like my bed so much, it is uncomfortable and tiny. I hate my bed because here is where she lied down, cuddled in my arms. Here is where we made love multiple times, kissed in the dark, whispered the beating of our hearts.
I loath my bed because it will never produce her ever again. It will never give me the comfort of her warmth again. I hate my bed and I wanted to burn it because i know for a fact this is the bed that will catch me when I fall with exhaustion keeping myself awake thinking about her and what we used to be.
I hate my bed because it will never be the bed she will be lying down in slumber anymore. I am contemplating if it is better to just be sleeping on the floor.
Imagining
She has this eyes that smiles with softness. When I look at them I am reassured. She has this laugh that is so sweet I wish they were my own. She has this body that is to die for and take me to heaven that I wish I can stay in forever. She is the most amazing and here I am. Imagining...
She is the adorable kind of shy. It probably has something to do with her youth. She was innocent and careless when I first get to her. Oh I love to be the devil in her little world and I took advantage of that power.
She wanted to learn and I promised to teach her but she turned my world upside down with her tender smiles and sweet surrender. She made me want to hold her but I was always the rough kind. I was never born gentle and I am sorry l will never be. I am an intense person that broke her.
She has this amazing kind of love. The love I prayed I will never have because I knew I never deserved and I was blessed with it and I craved it and possessed it. Oh I was a fool and I was never aware.
She has this way of saying the words I can never say better. Like she whispers them directly to my heart. Her voice will always be the sound that grounded me, it is the music I will never get to hear anywhere.
She has this special kind of moves when she is excited. It was like watching a little child and I observed in silence and pray she will never notice. Now I wish she had, maybe, maybe she will never leave.
Maybe she will realize I was never always rough, that it was never always me. Yet I am and I always will be. I am thinking she probably deserve the same of her kind. The amazing tender ones. I wish it was me.
Letting
She said I have to move on and she is in my pedestal not to listen. I have this deep desire to make her wishes come true. Out of all my failed attempts to fulfill them, this time I shall never fail her. This time I am. Letting...
I can hear my heart loud and clear. It was like being inside an empty white room, there is no sound only emptiness. Then very subtle, small at first, then more evident and louder. It cracked and the flood gates opened and it gushes and imploded and it constricted like it is squeezing for more to break.
My body and mind tried to fix it because my being will never be complete without it. It is doing all the things it can. I watched them save the situation. It was poetic, it was maddening, borderline laughable and stupid.
I am still watching it with blurry eyes and dry throat, cold shoulders and stupefied face. I laugh at it like I have never seen anything foolish in all my life. My belly dancing in this multiple different reactions to my heart.
I am letting it fix itself, I have nothing to help it with. No words of encouragement, no sincere apology to give. I am letting it patch itself back up and just wonder if it can survive. Maybe I can just thrive with brain and body?
I can’t help, I can’t apologize to it. I can just watch. Because it is meant to happen. My heart had to go through it, because that is what she said when she said I got to move on. It had to break and burst and fix itself up. I can’t say no because the one who made it, nurtured it, made it whole and healthy is now taking all back.
So I am letting it happen.
Moving
I wonder how it feels like being invisible and being invincible. I wonder how it will be being subtle and just being but still moving...
I am typing this and telling myself, maybe after a year I will be whole again. I am not poor anymore, I am free, I have more potential, I am not seen, but not breaking. I wanted to just disappear for a while and when I get back I am this new person that doesn’t remember and she will be this someone who I will see the happiest she had ever been and it will not be a death sentence for me.
I am looking forward to that moment that I will just recognize but not desire and she will see me as someone she never knew. I can see me walking in a crowded place alone and stronger, and she will be there...beautiful as ever. Her face mature, her posture the surest it has ever been. She is a persona of fulfillment because she always remembers it is what she deserves and she aims for it and she is living it.
And I will be there observing again. Because she was always that one person I have been praying for. It will probably be a sweet taste of heartbreak again and this time I will savor it with a smile. My heart will not waver the way it did before.
And she will never know but I will always remember and will always be moving and smiling with a look up to the sky - whoever they are holding your hand, I hope they know they are blessed and treating you right. You know you deserve it and they are giving it, the way I failed to provide when I had the privilege before.
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